The Spiritual Side of Boundary Setting + 4 Steps to Help You Set Boundaries

Many of us, especially women, have been taught to give and give and give without question. Over time, as you probably know, this becomes exhausting and depleting. You might already have strong boundaries, or maybe you’re realizing just now that you really need to set them, but you’re afraid. If you’ve been waiting for a permission slip to create more boundaries in your life, consider this it.

You are a powerful being, and you get to decide what is and is not acceptable to you in your life (if reading that gave you a strong reaction, check out this post for tips to connect with your authentic power). You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to speak up and stand up for yourself. This is the spiritual work of boundary setting.

Boundaries are an important way of setting the terms for how it is and isn’t okay for other people to interact with you, and on an energetic level, they’re a way of protecting your own energy.

Because spiritual work isn’t all pretty all the time. Sometimes it’s the deep, unglamorous work of digging into the roots of your heart and seeing what you truly need, and then telling people that no, you won’t answer their DMs, or no, you won’t do free work anymore, or no, you can’t hold energetic support for them at this moment because you simply have nothing left to give.

I saw Gabby Bernstein live last year, and during the Q&A portion of the night a woman went up to the mic and told Gabby that she was feeling so spiritual these days— so spiritual, in fact, that all she wanted to do was lock herself in her room and meditate and read spiritual books. She said she was starting to resent her life— her kids, her work, her husband— for taking her out of that.

Gabby said, “Here’s what you don’t yet understand: your life is your spiritual practice.”

That’s always stood out to me. Meditating, ritual, yoga, tarot, all of the things we love— they can all be part of your spiritual practice. But they’re not THE spiritual practice. Your spiritual practice is how you treat people, how you treat yourself, how you move in the world, how you set boundaries.

And since we’re always evolving and growing, our boundaries are always evolving, too.

Scroll down for some tips on how to set clear boundaries.

Figure out what your boundaries are

How do you know which boundaries need to be set? How do you know when a boundary has been violated?

Practice checking in with your feelings. Boundary violations may manifest as making you feel powerless, confused, drained, disassociated, angry, or upset. When you feel that way, take an honest look and ask yourself why?

Did someone treat you in a way that’s unacceptable to you? Did you perform free emotional labor that’s leaving you drained? Are you speaking to yourself in a way that’s hurtful?

Dig in and look at why you may struggle to set boundaries

Try these journaling questions:

• What did I learn as a child about the importance of being liked, going with the flow, and saying yes?

• What did I learn as a child about saying and hearing “no?”

• What am I afraid will happen if I set and stick with clear boundaries?

Open your throat chakra

The state of your throat chakra is heavily associated with your ability to set and communicate clear boundaries. When your throat chakra is blocked, you might be afraid to stand up for yourself and be seen or fear being judged for the boundaries you set. Get seven ways to balance your throat chakra here.

Communicate clearly

Once you’ve done the work in steps 1-3, this step should come more easily. Just remember when you’re communicating your boundaries to stand firm. You can speak your boundaries with love and compassion without apologizing, feeling guilty, or making them feel optional. Be as clear, honest, and direct as you can.

Remember, you have to set that boundary clearly with yourself before you can communicate it to anyone else.

You’ve heard it before but I’ll say it again: saying no creates the space for your big YES to come in—whether that’s relationships with people who treat you well, a job that fulfills your soul, or something else. Setting boundaries aren’t just about saying no, it’s about saying YES to only the things that feel good to you and light your soul up.

What’s your relationship with boundary setting? Now’s a perfect time to take a look!

Cord Cutting a Ritual for Letting Go

What are you holding onto right now that you’re afraid to let go of? Is it a career that you thought was your life’s calling, something hurtful someone said to you, a relationship gone south, or your lack of control over a situation?

If you haven’t already been faced with one of these “letting go” hurdles, it’s likely you will at some point. The need to let go comes in all shapes and sizes throughout life and might be some of the hardest tasks you’ll face.

Why is it important to let go?

Holding on can take up a lot of unnecessary headspaces, leaving you anywhere but in the present moment. When you’re afraid to let go, it’s usually your ego that’s in control, and no one wants that! Refusing to let go means you’re also refusing to trust that you’ll be taken care of and that the universe does have a plan for you.

This week I’m breaking out my favorite ways to help you let go of whatever it is that’s holding you back from your highest potential. These rituals can be done on separate days or all together as one big ritual, your choice! Let’s get started.

Step 1: Burn Baby, Burn

Time to get out your candles and cauldron. The first step is to recognize what it is that you’re trying to let go of and become willing to work on it. A burning ritual can help make this decision more concrete for you.

You’ll need:

• Black and white candle. The white candle is for protective loving light and black candle is to help absorb negative energy, but any candle will work if you don’t have these colors available. Click here to learn more about candle magick.

• Pen and paper

• Cauldron or other fireproof vessels

• Optional: Frankincense EO or incense. Frankincense will help you center yourself and let go. I like using Plant Guru’s Meditation blend.

The best moon phase to perform this ritual is during a waning moon. Set aside some quiet time, and center yourself with as many deep breaths as you need to feel calm and present.

To get started, light both of your candles and incense, if you’re using it. Write what you need to let go of on a piece of paper. Light the paper with the flame of each candle and place it in your fireproof vessel. Watch and breathe as your paper burns, allow any feelings you have to come to the surface. This is also a great time to call upon any angels, deities, or energy you’d like to invite in to help you through this process.

When you feel like this part of the ritual is complete, thank any spiritual energies that you invited in and blow out your candles. You can leave this setup and the ashes of your burned paper out as long as you’d like as a reminder.

Step 2: Cord-Cutting Ceremony

This is my personal favorite ritual for letting go. I discovered it from The Goddess Oracle by Amy Sophia Marashinsky and is the suggested ritual when you receive the Lilith Goddess card.

You’ll need:

• String. Must be strong enough to be worn for a long period of time.

• Scissors

• Candles, incense, EO (optional and can be the same as above)

This ceremony should also be performed during a waning moon. it blends well into the first ritual and I recommend performing them in tandem, though they do not have to be. If you do start this ceremony separately from the above one, be sure to set aside time to quiet your mind and center yourself.

To begin this ritual, start by deciding where your cord should be tied on your body. You’ll want to tie the string somewhere that connects with what you’re letting go of. If what you’re letting go of has something to do with work and you use your hands you might decide to tie it around your wrist, if you’re walking away from something you could tie it around your ankle, if it has something to do with your creative center you could tie it around your belly.

As you tie your cord on your body say out loud what the cord represents and what it is you’re trying to let go of. Wear this cord for the rest of the moon cycle, or longer if you feel it is necessary, as a reminder of your commitment to let go. When you feel that you are ready to let go and cut the cord, prepare a quiet space to do so. Thank yourself for your commitment and willingness to be more present and let go.

Step 3: Visualize & Verbalize

During this process, you may find that your desire to hold on becomes even stronger. It’s normal and is usually your ego screaming at you to stay in control! Here are some tools to use to keep your ego in check through this process.

Voice and movement are powerful tools to reinforce your commitment to let go. Here are my favorite supportive tools to use:

• Woodchopper yoga pose with a loud “HA” exhale

• Lion’s pose

• Allow time to shake it out, dance it out, and/or yell it out

• Wear a reminder of your commitment to let go.

• Create a vision board of what your life would look like if you did let go, and place it somewhere you’ll see it regularly.

• Create a mantra about what you’re letting go of. Write it down somewhere and place it where you’ll see it regularly.

• Journal. Write out all of your fears associated with what you’re letting go of. I find that if I write out my fears and look at them, many of them are pretty silly and things I don’t have any control over in the first place.

• Above all, be gentle with yourself!

Letting go can be hard but I hope my offerings give you the tools you need to move forward in your healing journey. Sending you strength and peace through your process of letting go!

5 Simple Steps to Get Started with Shadow Work

Intimidated by starting shadow work? Most of us have spent a lifetime hearing phrases like “be positive” and “look on the bright side,” so it’s no surprise that you might be a little freaked out about shadow work. While these sentiments are always shared in love, they can also cause us to repress trauma, difficult emotions, and thoughts we'd prefer to keep to ourselves. This constant repression will usually backfire, causing your fears and judgments to erupt out onto others later.

It’s no wonder most of us are hesitant to jump into shadow work. We’ve been told our whole lives to ignore it.

There are three fundamental steps to doing shadow work: to identify your shadow aspects, allow space for you to process them, and, finally, integrate them. By integrating your shadow side, you become whole.

As with all deep work, sometimes a qualified professional is needed. If you feel you need help from a therapist, psychiatrist, doctor, healer, or even a friend, I encourage you to do so. Facing the parts of ourselves often ignored can be difficult, especially if you've faced particularly traumatic events in your life.

I invite you to approach these offerings as ancillary allies to a shadow work practice. Here are four simple steps to help you get started with shadow work.

1. Practice Mindfulness

I mentioned in my last post that much of shadow work is becoming aware of how you’re projecting your shadow onto others and being triggered. Imagine your triggers as little notes from your shadow self.

The most effective way to bring more awareness into your daily life and catch those projections and triggers is through mindfulness. I’m not saying you need to commit to 30 minutes of silent meditation a day; a simple 5 minutes can really go a long way. If you need some pointers on how to start meditating, check out this earlier blog post on 8 quick tips to “be here now.”

2. Connect with Goddesses Associated with Shadow Work

There are Goddesses worldwide across cultures who correspond with the parts of life we're often told to keep to ourselves or ignore. Each Goddess below offers unique wisdom concerning shadow work. There are many more Goddesses and Gods to connect with

Kali

Kali is the wild and intense-looking Hindu Goddess of time, death, destruction, and rebirth. She is often shown with skulls around her neck and one in her hand. Morbid as it may seem, these skulls actually represent the death of the ego. Even though the image of Kali may be jarring or even scary, she is the personification of shadow and can help you get in touch with darker aspects of your ego that you may be avoiding.

Lillith

The Goddess Lilith has roots in several cultures and religions including ancient Sumeria and Christianity. She's referred to as both a demon and a seductive sex Goddess. Lilith is in touch with her sexuality which has caused men to fear her. She represents equality between men and women. Connect with Lilith to explore any sexual shadows you may have hidden.

Hecate

Hecate is a Greek Goddess of witchcraft and magic, she's closely related to ghosts and death. Hecate is often shown standing at a fork in the road as a reminder to examine our motives clearly before making a decision. She offers protection and wisdom. Hecate is perfect to work with if you're going through transitions. Ask for her guidance to shed light on the shadow side of changes you are going through.

Once you’ve found a goddess or god that you connect with, place a card, picture, or statue of her on your altar or in a place you’ll see it regularly to offer inspiration while meditating or journaling.

One of my favorite ways to connect with the goddesses is through The Goddess Oracle card deck. It doesn’t shy away from the dark goddesses, and my readings are always so powerful when they show up!

3. Create an Altar Space to Explore your Shadow Side

Altars are powerful healing tools. Much like a sacred container, your altar can hold space and energy for difficult emotions, traumas, and experiences. An altar can be as small or large as you'd like. It serves as a physical representation of what you're working on or working through. Small objects, tarot or oracle cards, crystals, herbs, pictures, or journal entries, etc., could all be parts of an altar. Learn more about creating an altar here.

To implement an altar for shadow work, start by selecting some representative items of what you're working through. It could be as simple as a black candle and a piece of rose quartz. Use the altar space to meditate at, call upon some of the Goddesses mentioned above, cry, yell, journal, process. When you're done, leave the energy you created at your altar space. You can go about your day knowing your feelings are safe at your altar, ready to be revisited when you're ready. The altar space will also serve as a reminder of your commitment to integrating your shadow.

4. Work with Supportive Crystals

Several crystals can be used for helping you with shadow work, but these are my favorites. Here are my top 3 picks for crystals to recruit for starting shadow work:

Snowflake Obsidian

This grounding stone is my top pick for shadow work. It can help open the door to your shadow side by bringing emotions, patterns, and fears to the surface. Black obsidian is also good for shadow work, but the balancing flecks of white in the snowflake version soften and balance its energy nicely.

Blue Kyanite

This stone is the softer, subtle version of snowflake obsidian. If you’re looking for a very gentle introduction to shadow work, kyanite is your stone, or you can just add it to your shadow work crystal collection! Kyanite comes with a host of other benefits but is helpful for recalling old memories and working through obstacles.

Rose Quartz

Shadow work will most likely bring up strong emotions for you. It’s important to bring in some soothing self-love energy while diving into shadow work, and rose quartz is the mother of loving vibes!This quote really says it all.

“If darkness is the absence of Love, then the most effective tonic to use in healing internal shadow is self-love. The more love we flow into our deepest wounds and darkest emotions, the quicker we are able to clear and raise our vibration.” - Jennifer Diamond

Place your shadow work crystal on your altar or in a place you’ll see them regularly. Another good alternative is to wear these stones for a beautiful and powerful reminder of your intention to do shadow work.

5. Draw, Paint, Write & Journal

You may find that tapping into your shadow side is more difficult than you thought. If you find yourself stuck in positivity mode, grab a pen or paintbrush and spend some time journaling and creating. Allow yourself time to create and/or journal without any outcomes in mind and let your subconscious flow. You might be surprised what naturally comes up when you commit yourself to some no expectation creative time.

This is the perfect time to keep some snowflake obsidian or kyanite nearby to help bring your darker side to the surface.

I also created an infographic for those who like visuals, and I added more ways to process shadow work.

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A post shared by Cassie Uhl (@cassieuhl)

Shadow work is not a one-and-done kind of deal. This is work that will happen over a lifetime. Every time you uncover and process one thing, you'll usually find there's more underneath. It's part of the process of being a whole human.

8 Simple Gratitude Rituals

What does gratitude do for you? It brings a sense of peace within you where there might otherwise be turmoil. Gratitude calms your nerves and makes you right-sized. All of that doesn't happen on its own. Gratitude is a state of being that can be accomplished more readily if you are vigilant about revisiting the gratitude rituals that work for you...and maybe even throwing in some new ones!

Practicing gratitude allows you to realign your roots with the universe. It can aid in manifesting your desires and help to pull you out of catastrophic thinking.  Keep scrolling for eight simple gratitude rituals to add to your practice.

1. Make a Gratitude Box

When we aren't getting what we think we should have, it's easy to lose sight of what we are grateful for. To help with this amnesia, create a Gratitude Box. Every day, put a piece of paper in it and scribble something on it that you are grateful for. In times of need, open your gratitude box and read the slips of paper. When you think you are having a tough day you might pull out a slip from a time when you were grateful for the roof over your head. For me, I know that most of my problems today are “luxury problems.” If I find myself upset that I didn't get a day off from work, I might pull out a slip of paper reminding me that I should be lucky I have such an awesome career in the first place!

2. Play the Appreciation Game

This gratitude ritual comes from Gabby Bernstein who is a goddess of gratitude and manifesting. She recommends playing the appreciation game, based on the idea that it’s good to feel good.

To play this game, “follow the fun” by focusing on what’s thriving in your life. Start to speak out loud a list of all the things you appreciate. This can range from simple physical things like your favorite ring or yoga pants to your amazing career or best friend. Start small and allow the vibration of gratitude to take you deeper and deeper into what’s thriving in your life.

If you get stuck for a moment, return to something you already said! Try to do this for at least 3 to 5 minutes, and afterward notice how you feel.

It can also be really fun to do this with another person or even a whole circle of people. Hold space for another to speak their blessings out loud, and then allow them to hold space for you.

3. Meditate with Mantras to Inspire Gratitude

Incorporate a version of this mantra that resonates with you into your meditation practice: I know the abundance of the Universe flows to and through me, and I receive freely without hesitation. I am so grateful for the abundance in my life, and I know it all comes from you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Gratitude is a muscle, and these rituals will help you flex that muscle so that gratitude becomes part of each day.

4. Ask Your Tarot or Oracle Cards

Try asking one of these questions, and then pulling a tarot card or an oracle card:

• What blessings are available to me now?

• What new blessings are coming my way?

• What am I grateful for in my career, relationships, or personal development?

• How can I express my gratitude towards myself?

• How can I express my gratitude towards others?

• What are the silver linings of challenges I have faced this year?

• How can I continue to create abundance in my life?

Tarot and oracle cards are incredible tools available to you as a mirror for your own inner wisdom. The cards you pull might give you a new perspective on certain situations or people in your life. To learn more about how to get started using tarot, click here. To learn more about using oracle cards, and get a free printable oracle card deck click here.

5. Create a Gratitude Crystal Grid

Invoke gratitude by opening your heart chakra! Gain a heart-based perspective by creating a gratitude crystal grid. Green and pink stones will speak to your heart chakra. They will vibrate love, truth, and compassion. You might choose rose quartz and green kyanite, and harmonize all of the stones with some clear quartz. If you are looking for something special choose a moss agate Merkaba for the center of your grid! You can find out more about crystal grids here.

6. Journal with Crystals for Gratitude

I encourage you to commit to doing this practice for at least ten days, and maybe even every single day. Before you go to bed each night, make a list of 10 things that you were grateful for today. You can use rose quartz to open the heart chakra, petrified wood to ease fear and connect to your deep roots, and tiger eye for balance and harmony as you journal.

What amazing things happened? What is the opportunity that something not-so-amazing may be creating for you? Create a journal specifically for this gratitude practice and flip through it when you feel discouraged to remember how blessed you are.

7. Work with Essential Oils for Gratitude

Part of being grateful is staying grounded. It's planting your roots in what matters, and letting go of everything else. For scents that inspire gratitude, choose earthy oils such as patchouli and cedar. To keep yourself firmly planted in the present try this rollerball blend with your favorite carrier oil (mine is sweet almond oil!!)

• 5 drops patchouli

• 5 drops sandalwood

• 5 drops frankincense

• 5 drops ylang ylang

8. Get Outside

It may be chilly and gray where you live, or maybe it’s beautiful and sunny. Either way, take a walk outside sans cell phone and challenge yourself to be really present. Notice the beautiful things you see. They could be really simple— the shapes of the clouds in the sky, the color of the grass, a crisp leaf on the ground.

Beyond feeling amazing after practicing these rituals, carrying a heart full of gratitude is a great way to usher in a new year! Above all, be kind. Ultimately, gratitude is an action. It's a display of thankfulness.